You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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