Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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