i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
