those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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