Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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