he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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