I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
