Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
