Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
