They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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