I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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