He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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