hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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