the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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