We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
