eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
