even my farts smell like vagina
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So much rum. So many feels.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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