so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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