oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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