mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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