Your face is a jimmy john
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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