so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
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Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
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It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
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