matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
