I molested 6 butterflies tonight
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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