If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.