I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
