My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
