please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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