i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
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he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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