I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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