Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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