If that was your dad, he is hot
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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