Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
