I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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