you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
