Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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