Have you finally orgasmed yet?
she was so not down for the gang bang
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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