a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
