I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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