I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize