tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
