remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
