so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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