i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
