They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
