Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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