I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
