I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
