i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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