Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
