Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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