how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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