All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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