wakey wakey hands off snakey
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
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Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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