I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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