wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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