Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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