my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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