If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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