i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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