found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
